Rants, Raves and Reticulated Splines

Earlier I wrote an introduction of sorts, but I find I still have many thoughts that I want to get down before I lose them. So much is going on in our lives right now that I sometimes can't think straight. Not that any of this is new. As a military family for so long, we're used to chaos much of the time. Just to bring you up to date, i'll mention here that for the last 2 years Jason has been trying to become and Air Traffic Controller with the FAA. We had intended to stay active duty, but they couldn't give Jason the school he wanted because they only offered it for E-4 and below. So, we left active duty, destined for the Indiana National Guard and a promise of a school date for the Military Air Traffic Controller Course in Ft. Rucker, Alabama. So many thoughts were jumbled in my head at that time. We had been stationed in Ft. Bliss in El Paso, TX and I had moved up to Indiana several months before his ETS date, due to gang problems in my children's elementary school. I flew down to help Jason drive back to Indiana. I admit now how scared I was. We were leaving the only lifestyle we had lived for my entire adult life. A life that I truly loved. As we drove away from El Paso that night, it brought thoughts of a more stable life for the kids and many fears of how we would survive the unknown, slightly less friendly civilian world. It also brought many tears. We knew what we wanted, and could only hope that somehow we would accomplish it. I am happy to say that our "time of transition" seems to be coming to an end. I can hardly believe it. It seems like we have been fighting an uphill battle for so long, and I guess in many ways we have been. I took some time this past week or so to contemplate what has been and what will be. Many times in the past 2 years I have cried. I've been tired and i've wondered whether any of this was worth it. In the end, the only goal worth pursuing is the one that you work the hardest to achieve. Jason and I have spent many nights worried about daily living issues. We've wondered how we were going to survive on the meager paycheck he was getting. I've cried after telling the kids that yet again, we couldn't order school pictures because we had to buy food and gas. I've hurt for them when they went to school book fairs and I couldn't let them get anything. Through all of this, we've tried to keep strong for each other. As I write this though, I think about a conversation that I had with a friend late one night at the Village Pantry (my hang out spot). It was about a week before Christmas and she was saying that she was afraid that she wouldn't be able to go Christmas shopping because the weather was so cold and she had no heater in her car and in fact hadn't had one in almost 3 years. This really got to me because once again, I had overlooked that in spite of the hardships of the past couple of years, we've been so lucky. I've never had to go with no heat, or battle the elements with no gloves. I took her Christmas shopping the next day and gave her a pair of gloves for Christmas. It really makes you think about the things that you have compared to other people when situations like this happen. I can stand here now, with the light at the end of journey appearing slowly, and thank God for giving us this time and for making us work through all of it. For giving us the strength to stick it out and helping us to not give up. I will always thank Him for giving me the chance to prove to myself what kind of person I am and letting me know that I am always stronger with Him than without. Many times over the years, i've felt so alone and wondered if life was really worth living, but now i'm standing at the threshold of a bright new beginning and I am proud of myself. I'm proud of who I am and the person that i've become. I've learned that what I think of myself is more important than what others think, but that doesn't mean that I don't care. I've learned that I can live without family, but i'd rather have them. I've learned that some burned bridges can be rebuilt slowly from both sides. Most of all, i've learned that where love, patience, and strength exists, there is always a bright new beginning on the horizon. Soon we will be moving to Fairbanks, Alaska. Jason will start a new career and we will all begin life again in "The Last Frontier". I can't wait!